Grammys 2015

We sat down to watch the 2015 Grammys last night.

Maybe we should have had a glass of wine or two along with it because, ultimately, it left me feeling underwhelmed.

I am going to lightly skim through the best and worst performances of the night. Mostly the worst, because that's so much more fun.

The show opened with our favorite geriatric rock band (no, not the Rolling Stones), the one and only AC/DC. I guess the only upside here for me was the fact that they actually played instruments and offered a real, proper live show. Other than that, I was not impressed. 

And then it was on to our favorite little dainty Tinkerbell diva, Ariana Grande, who proceeded to demonstrate exactly why she is such a bad bitch. With an impeccably controlled, velvety smooth BIG voice, she was one of the standouts of the evening. In a good way, that is. I now understand why she gets away with such arrogant, bad behavior. Honestly, I hate to say it but I think she is better than Mariah Carey ever was. 

On a completely random note, I'd also like to mention that I appreciate the host, L.L. Cool J,  not suggestively licking his lips every two seconds. 

Kanye West performed on the Grammy stage for the first time in six years. I could have gone six more without him.  He sang (if that's what you would call an auto-tuned voice) a song he wrote for his daughter while prancing about in the dark around a white, circular light beaming out from the floor. Awww! I suppose it was cute, but Kanye darling, you are no genius.  Not. Even. Close. 

It mostly seemed like what a six year old might throw together as soon as he could start singing melodies and rhyming words. 

Now, before I get started on this next part, understand that I love Madonna more than words. I love her so much that seeing her deteriorate before our eyes is almost too painful to bear.

Put your goddamn clothes back on, woman! I don't care how great you think you look, I don't care how many miles of jogging you do every day and how fit you think you are. YOU ARE DAMN NEAR SIXTY YEARS-OLD. That outfit was truly horrendous, and what the hell was she supposed to be, anyway? Some horny old matador chick? 

She is making a mockery of herself. One simple adjustment to this outfit would have changed everything. Pants, maybe? This needs to stop. I am being very serious. When the only reaction your audience feels is a cringe, it is time to step down. 

Here is what she wore OFFSTAGE, if you can believe it. Is that a booty-boosting device or just some sort of perverted accessory? Either way, this invokes nothing but horror as far as I'm concerned.

I love you, Madonna, but please make it stop.

Another performance was by Annie Lennox, which I paid about as much attention to last night as I did back in the day - not much. I can take her or leave her. The Eurythmics never did anything for me. I will say that she can still sing her ass off, from what I heard in the background as I was making ginger root tea.

More Pharrell? Really? Didn't we get enough of that creepy "Happy" single already? I mean wasn't he EVERYWHERE last year? I can't believe we had to sit though yet another performance of that played-out song. My idea of hell would be sitting in Hell, listening to that song looping all day every day for the rest of eternity.

Sia. 

Who is this mental patient? I have a feeling that she has swung from a chandelier or two in her life. I'm sure that many people think she is avant-garde, but as far as I am concerned she is just batshit crazy. Love the song, though!

Gwen and Adam killed it. Madonna, observe Gwen and understand what it means to age gracefully and with class, all while still being drop-dead gorgeous. 

Perfection.

And last but not least, her royal majesty, The Queen. Beyonce is so drunk in love with herself that she makes Kim Kardashian's narcissism pale in comparison. You are not the goddess you believe yourself to be, dahling. 

No, really, you aren't. 

And, get this - she thanked her "B-hive", which I can only guess is the hive where she rules as Queen. 

Yes, that tickled me too. 

Sam Smith was the overwhelming favorite of the evening and won four Grammys, for best pop vocal  album, record of the year, song of the year, and best new artist. 

My overall reaction to last night's Grammys was a resounding yawn.

Is Waist Training a Waste of Time?

I'm sure some of you have heard about "waist training". 

You wear a waist trainer (which is essentially just a fancy name for a corset) for a few hours a day and apparently, according to many believers, your waist begins to magically shrink and your posture improves.

It claims to "Turn your body into a heated, fat-melting machine"! Hmmm. Maybe because you can't breathe?

It even claims to "Flatten back fat and rolls"! Yes, maybe while you're wearing it!  

Honestly, ladies, are we that gullible? I didn't know we were still in the Elizabethan times here. 

Many celebrities have adopted this new craze and swear by it so I decided to do some research and find out for myself.

I have worn corsets in the past as part of Halloween costumes and such, but I have never considered it to be some sort of magical garment that will melt away the fat and inches.

After much poking around I discovered, not surprisingly, that for the most part all it does is restrict your ability to eat while you are wearing it, makes it difficult to breathe, and squeezes your ribs and organs to the point of potentially causing serious internal damage. 

Once you remove this so-called "waist trainer",  your waist will plop right back out to its original form, just like when you open a can of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls. End of story.

Don't waste your money. I have an even better solution below that's not only been tried and tested, but it's also FREE!!! 

Planks
Crunches
Portion control

Big Booty Bubble Butt

And now let's talk about the elephant in the room.

What is going on with this giant ass business? Everyone is being desensitized by the Kim Kardashians of the world, including ME! Women with normal asses are being told they have pancake butts! And this is why:

I am just using her for an example, because I think she's the catalyst that sparked this bizarre trend.  As we all can clearly see below, Nikki Minaj, Iggy Izalea, Blac Chyna, and many many others (not shown) have jumped on the mutated booty bandwagon.

Looks like photoshop, doesn't it folks? Well, it isn't. These women actually think this looks GOOD. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I love a big booty...if it's REAL! If you are born with a natural big booty it can be very sexy. You can also build one! Look at Jen Selter! 

Now, do these chicks think they are fooling anyone? 

People claimed that the above picture of Kim and her BFF, Blac Chyna, was photoshopped. 

Let's examine that possibility for a moment.  

Um, okay.  Even if it were, that would mean they had this photoshopping done and thought it looked attractive?  Any way you look at it, it's freaky. Bun, I mean pun totally intended.

Wait! I almost forgot Khloe.

Girl, please. Nothing butt implants here.

I am not against surgical enhancement. That's the key word here, enhancement. I wouldn't exactly call this an "enhancement", would you? I have breast implants and regularly reveal that fact to anyone who is curious and asks. If I could have done push-ups until my old boobs came back (over 40 now) in their full glory, believe me, I would've opted for that rather than surgery. These hornswogglers could have squatted their way to a bigger, better, SEXIER booty in as little as 8 weeks. But they chose a different method.

Stop lying and own it, ladies. 

I remember the first time I noticed the suddenly freakish balloon-bubble butt on Kim, and I was literally shocked. It was painfully obvious that she had work done. And we all remember her famously showing us that x-ray indicating there were no implants in her badonkadonk.  There are no implants because it's called a FAT TRANSFER, people. Look it up. Basically you are told to stuff your face and gain at least ten to fifteen pounds,  then you get that fat liposuctioned out of your stomach, waist and thighs, and pumped right into your ass. 

Yes, really. 

Don't believe me? You think this is something she developed from squats?

Anyone who works out will scoff at this. Lazy women all over the world have praised the lord over and over for this innovative procedure. Can you imagine your doctor telling you to gain weight so that he can use it to enhance other parts of your body? Only in your dreams, right?

Ladies, there is no substitute for physical fitness. You will never imitate natural muscle tone. 

When Kim first stepped on the scene as Paris Hilton's assistant, everyone noticed the gorgeous brunette and wondered who she was. Years and years have gone by, and she has managed to bamboozle most people into thinking that her current ass is God-given, with no surgical enhancements whatsoever. 

Let's take a another quick look at her ass before:

A picture speaks a thousand words.

(By the way, I think she would rather shave her head with a cheese-grater than wear that atrocious outfit today)

I know I'm late to this big-booty party, but I had to get it out of my system.